Fifty Shades of Grey

I have to start by saying I was not a fan of the books. Not by a long shot. Probably the most poorly written book I have read as an adult I had to check a few times I hadn't read the same chapter twice based on how repetitive it was. I didn't even make it onto the second or third book. I thought ''if I have to read the words ''my inner goddess'' one my time I swear to god...'' so decided against it. Having said that I hoped the film was going to be worth the hype. Typically movie adaptations of books are always pretty poor but I figured the fact the book was dire to begin with the film can't be much worse. I was wrong.

Now I realise the premise for the books/movie is a touchy subject in itself. If there is one thing I will say to defend it is that actually the main character Ana is fully consenting to all the kinky stuff that happens to her. I know many domestic violence charities are up in arms about ''glamorising domestic violence'' but I think that's the least of the film's worries. BDSM is relatively mainstream these days (sorry dad) and what happens between consenting adults in the privacy of their bedroom is pretty much their business. Ana is fully consensual so I don't feel that's the issue.

For me, the issue is how Ana is as a person outside the red room of pain. (cringed to death typing that). This girl needs to be rescued in every possible scenario. I took my poor-long suffering boyfriend to watch this with me and even he was thought the way she was portrayed was borderline insulting to women. Not to mention the hilarity of her having an orgasm the second Christian touches her arm. I mean come on. I've read interviews with Dakota Johnson (who plays Ana) who describes her as being '' a strong independent woman'' and I find that statement more laughable than the scene where she refuses anal fisting. Ana is the stereotypical weak ''Disney princess'' type character that requires a man to rescue her constantly. While enduring the odd spanking to satisfy this weirdo's needs. What kind of message is that? I'll let you spank me/buy me lavish gifts while you save me from being a poor little woman incapable of looking after myself. I'm female after all.

I'm no psychologist but it's pretty clear to anyone that Christian Grey is bat-shit crazy. It's supposed to be a part of his appeal presume. A self-made billionaire at the age of 27 who supposedly knows his way around the female form so well he can cause Ana to climax at the slightest touch. Come on now. Let's be real. It takes most men decades to get good at that (sorry dad). Aside from his penchant for wanting to hurt women he's a crazy one-eye-bigger-than-the-other stalker who if existed in real life would have more restraining orders against him than he would notches on his bedpost. How any woman can find this character appealing is a mystery to me. Yes he's moderately attractive but the idea of a guy tapping your phone, letting himself into your house and selling your car for you without your consent is pretty messed up. What woman on earth would want that? Even in a fantasy scenario? Jesus Christ get a grip people.

Overall this film was pretty hilarious but in a ''laughing at it not with it'' type way.  Ana still has a flip phone for Christ sake. It's 2015. The sex scenes were relatively artistically done with a decent soundtrack to distract you from the lack of chemistry between the two leads. The whole thing was pretty wooden, if you can excuse the pun. The entire film could be condensed into 20 minutes as the script is about 50 words long. Consisting of ''laters baby'', ''stop biting your lip'' and ''have you signed the contract yet?'' over and over again.

The one thing I will say however (and anyone who's read the books will understand), I'm glad they skipped the scene where Mr.Grey removed Ana's tampon for her. I count myself lucky I didn't have to witness that on the big screen in a room full of horny middle-aged women. Yikes.

Have you seen the movie? What did your inner goddess make of it?