The 7 stages of shopping online

''STOP. Step away from the laptop'' is something I wish someone would yell at me before I purchase my 65th perfume, 32nd blusher and replacement microwave I decided 10 minutes ago was a necessity. Yesterday I ordered a maxi dress knowing full well I won't be able to wear it till April next year at the earliest. Ridiculous. This is a familiar pattern for me, you'd only need to ask John the DHL guy or the miserable postman (Thursdays & Saturdays).  Given the general misery on the postman's face each day I highly doubt I'm the only one with such habits, so below I've listed the 7 stages I go through when shopping online in the vain hope that I'm not alone...

1) ''I'm just gonna look on ASOS but not buy anything'' said no one ever. This is virtually impossible. My dad once said ''you spend so much on ASOS you should be a shareholder'' and he's not wrong. But browsing ASOS or similar sites results in realising you need 10 items of clothing you didn't even know existed 10 minutes ago. At this point, all that matters is getting to the checkout before they sell out in your size. GO GO GO

2) Once you've placed your order self justification sounds something like ''but I really need that black pair of heels that are identical to my other 23 pairs of black heels!'' Whether you're justifying it to yourself or someone else you are guaranteed to find an excuse for ordering something you really, could live without need. This is a necessity. This pair of shoes/bra/blusher is going to change my life. Honest!

3) Immediate regret. After the initial adrenaline rush of ordering subsides you realise that actually, you probably don't need them and that £65 could have been better spent elsewhere. Oh and O2 has decided this is the optimal time to remind you that  you haven't paid your phone bill yet. Bugger. Oh well. Those shoes were an investment and you'll definitely have an excuse to wear them eventually.
e.g. when you're taken to court for not paying your phone bill

4) The anticipation whilst waiting for a delivery is intense. You watch the clock. You tweet about it. You stand and look out the window waiting for the postman to turn up. You tweet about it again. It's all very exciting and probably the best part of online shopping. It's almost as if everyday is like Christmas right? If you're like me and you order in such a mad frenzy you forget half of what you've bought until it arrives then it really is like a present to yourself.

5) It's arrived! You rip it out of the packaging with such velocity several nails are broken by the end but it's ok. You've got your 24th pair of black heels so all is well with the world. The postman is now your best mate and you're in a good mood for the rest of the day. God bless the internet.

This emoji is used a lot during the 5th stage. She's got her shit together. She knows. 

6)The inevitable Instagram post. If you don't Instagram about a new outfit/product you've bought it may as well not exist. It's the female equivalent to the male ''killer gym session brah'' brag status. If your friends and the 40 randomers that follow you don't know about it, it didn't happen. (#shopaholicproblems - for bonus points)

 7) It's the end of an era. The shoes have arrived. You've calmed down. The vicious cycle has come full circle finally. The shoes have been worn round the flat long enough for the novelty to have worn off and for them to be tidied away with your 23 other pairs.

Until next time ASOS, until next time.